Blind

Usually, when I think about my future month or year or life in general, I get a feeling. It's a general feeling. Sometimes it's stress, sometimes dread, sometimes it's a casual, carefree hope, sometims there's an element of excitement or wonder. Lately, however, I feel nothing. I feel blindness or numbness or a lack of perception of what I can expect, even a day or two down the road. Maybe it's a numbness in response to fear or guilt. Maybe it's a refusal to push through and own up to the consequences of my actions. I don't know. Yes, I do. Until I get my period, and the next two weeks have passed uneventfully, I can't be certain that my future is secure.

I can't believe how I refuse to learn. I have such a lack of will, or personal integrity. I'm a jellyfish in the face of pleasure. When did I become so weak? I was a very principaled little girl. And something changed along the way. When I started to grow into a stinky, oily, awkward teeneger, I experienced an astonishing lack of aceptance and love. And it seems as though the enjoyment that people get out of me now is so intoxicating that I completely lose my nerve, and put my better judgement to sleep. It's like I have to be in trauma in order to remember any lessons I've learned. Of course, that can't be sustained... I always "heal", and so I think I tend to re-traumatize myself so I can keep my"lessons" in mind.

Why do I have to keep hurting myself, or puttin gmyself in risky situations in order to do something that SHOULD, by all accounts, be natural? It must mean there's something unnatural about what I'm trying to adhere to. Either that, or the natural and good is more difficult than the supernatually wrong. Something to do with entropy. Tension within order. Relaxation in chaos. There's a problem with minimum energy in chaos, however. It's almost as if order has a life of its own, and presses itself on chaos, forcing it into line, into cause and effect... into consequence. INto a plan for the future. And so when I delve into a certain chaos, it offers me temporary relaxation, until the narrow path, the rocky truth, the real life moves in, and forces me to come out of chaos. BUt the reality I enter into is changed in my absence. I've damaged it, at least that's what I fear. I guess I fear that I've ruined my chance and coming back home. Perhaps I feel like I do't deserve it. In fact, I DO feel like I don't deserve it. And I feel like when I AM there, I won't be hapy in it. I guess this is how hell feels. God's love is there, but your soul hasn't learned to delight in it, coupled with a deep feeling of unresolved and unlifted guilt.

This is the biggest sin. Not trusting that I'll live through this. Not loving God's love enough to submit to my path. I need to love God's ways, and all will be well.

What is God's way? Why can't I totally physically love my husband? Is there a different reality I'm meant to experience? No. There's very real danger associated with tht risky "Other"... dangers that would really tear at the family.

So. My future holds tenacity. It holds the promise of me living through "It"... living through my choices, and thriving. Lord, have mercy on me and have mercy on Ben. Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on us, this married couple, preserve us and keep us protected and strong together. Overcome all evil forces pushing in on us, subtly and strongly. Keep me strong, willfull and brave in Your Word and on Your path. Have mercy on me. Keep me. Keep me together and healthy. Banish illness from my body, and keep me pure and strong. Have mercy on my womb and keep all wrong things from it. Take away things that don't belong there. Keep my eyes open. Relieve my blindness. Help me see. Give me hope. I'm a chronic sinner... I can't stay out of the mud. Help me wash it away and get through to dry land. I have courage and hope in You.