Affair with a bed.

I want to find a bed that puts me to sleep. I want a big, nice hotel room that's all my own. No... maybe I want a big bedroom in a house that's mine with no-one else in the house. Yeah. A big bed with a footboard, with a mattress that's long enough to hold my toes when I'm laying face-down. I want a very warm feather duvet and lots of big- fluffy, soft feather pillows, and very soft and clean sheets that smell like lavendar or rain or Downy or all of the above. Then, I want brand-new pyjamas that make me look really hot, and I want to be in them after I've taken a long bath where every bump or errant hair has been smoothed away, and I've been moisturized and perfumed, and my hair has been blowdried and I look sweet and feel warm. A bath, where there were jets, and I sidled up to a jet and it gave me a sweet, hard orgasm. Then, I want to crawl into this empty bed and wait for either a lover or sleep, and I would feel that sweet, hot sinking as I drift away happily.

I'm so cold, and jittery, and itchy and uncomfortable. I hate my pyjamas. I hate that my son is in the bed. I hate my pillow with great zeal. Was it the green tea I drank? The nap I took this afternoon? Is anyone available to take me out for a drink and maybe some kissing? I want to get a call right now and get invited out for chicken wings or pizza and some booze. Or pot. Yeah. I just want to feel pleasure. Warmth, and happiness. Because inside I feel so utterly lost and cold and jumpy and generally worried and sometimes self-loathing. I feel sad a lot, listless, and I can't sleep. This seems like depression, but I don't get depressed. I feel bored with people when they talk about themselves. I'm not bored all the time. Sometimes the conversations are great.

I can't get excited about that wedding tomorrow. I'm not excited about much. I think I'm excited about splurging what little money I've earned on a new dress for it, and dancing with the man I want to have an affair with. Wouldn't it be great if I could do just that in a dark corner AT the wedding? Breaing rules and causing mental chaos is such a turn-on right now.

Then I tuck my kids into bed and relish that feeling of sweetness and remember what it feels like to be happy for a moment. Why can't I hold onto that?

Because I can't sleep. And all I want is a big, warm bed that can hold me.