Sorry you had to see this. Glad you did, though.

There is an increasing schism between my internal world, and the life I've living externally. I need a place wherein I can admit to the boiling, lava-like reality I have, flowing slowly in scalding hot rivers through me. It's not always ugly. But everything here, if told to the wrong person, could result in great pain or difficulty. One day, I hope, I'll be able to live these things authentically, triumph over them, eradicate them, relish them or admit them, without the whole world apparently shifting and breaking open under my truth.

First things first. I'm in love with a lot of people. And that's causing some internal conflict. I don't know what to do about it. I want to be free to love everyone as much as I can, in whatever way I feel. I don't want categories of expression to be exclusive or regulated, I don't want my feelings to be morally metred. I want to fuck people. I want to kiss them. I want to go for coffee with them, alone, for hours, without having to ask for permission or worry that someone will get jealous or offended. I want to offer my shoulder, my skin, my lips, my hand, my dancing, my muscles, my milk, my cooking, my laughter and my need to whomever God puts in my path. I want to spread pleasure around. And this would be ok, if it didn't mean that when I do this, all of these ways of sharing diminish in my homelife. With my husband. Ah yes. This is why it's complicated.

And, I think, if I only had permission... if joy were taken in my love for sharing myself this way, nothing at home would diminish at all. It would flourish. I would be able to surmount the guilt and triumph over it, and the true me could love the true him, and we could marvel at the world together, with honesty. joy and reverence.